remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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