I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have so much sex to catch up on
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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