im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
