I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
