I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
cat food counts as protein by the way
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
