I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
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And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
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Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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