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• (559): View more from California

  my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.

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• (937): View more from Ohio

  I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.

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• (516): View more from New York

  I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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• (703): View more from Virginia

  Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is

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• (417): View more from Missouri

  Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.

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• (413): View more from Massachusetts

  I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.

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• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday

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• (970): View more from Colorado

  Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.

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• (904): View more from Florida

  He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.

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• (540): View more from Virginia

  Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?

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• (510): View more from California

  Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.

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• (254): View more from Texas

  Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap

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• (612): View more from Minnesota

  Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?

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• (917): View more from New York City

  True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.

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