I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
