you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
