I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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