chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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