I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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