I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
whose parrot is this?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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