if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
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I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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