a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
