She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
