I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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