everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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