all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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