I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
