Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
