someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
