she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
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You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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