as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
