i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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