You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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