My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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