Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
