I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
