My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
