Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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