One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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