when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
