And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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