Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
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He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
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Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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