Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
