Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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