Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
