I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
