I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?