I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.