I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
