Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
