If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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