i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
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While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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