He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
