Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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