I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
