my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
