So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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