the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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